Neediness

I would like to use this post to offer a bit of advice to my female readers on dealing with the men in their lives. The advice is very simple and probably should fall under the rubric of common sense except that it's so often ignored, at least in my own recent experiences. The advice is: never, ever make your self-esteem dependent on the men in your life. If your validation depends on the smirk, wrinkled brow, smile, sneer or pouting frown of a man then it's time to re-examine your priorities.

The simple fact is, neediness ain't sexy. It scares us off. And it makes us lose respect for you.

I received an email from Ginger recently---long and rambling. The conclusion stated that she was happy with the status quo, but the body of the email suggested otherwise. In it, she upbraided me for not answering her emails for hours, leaving her feeling vulnerable and exposed. Not only do I have a demanding job in the financial services industry, but my emails are catalogued and can be read at the discretion of my bosses. And I'm going to spend my day sending emails back-and-forth? Not bloody likely. Despite my occasional complaints, I do enjoy my current position. Flooding me with emails will not make me more attracted to you, Ginger.

She wrote that she felt sexy and alive with me but wondered that I seemed distant later. Frankly, I need a little space sometimes. I mean really---does she want to come into the bathroom with me and hold my hand while I use the toilet? I was starting to feel smothered. Now, she told me throughout the email how much I meant to her and it's hard to get angry with someone who showers you with compliments, but are guys that hard to figure out? WE NEED SPACE SOMETIMES!

Marla and Suburban Melissa, on the other hand, seem to get it. Marla hints that she'd like to spend more time with me and teasingly upbraids me, but she gets a pass because it's usually after a few drinks and she does it good-naturedly. Suburban Melissa is busy with her own situation and her children are, rightly, the most important things in her life. It's an attitude that makes me respect her. She can take it for what it is.

I may eventually fall in love with someone. If I do, it will be with a woman derives her self-esteem from her own accomplishments and values and beliefs and not from my tenderness or coldness towards her. And, ladies, it's simple: the way in which we men perceive you is completely within your power to control.

Now go out there and stay safe.