Four Who Broke My Heart

I met Alisha at tennis camp---I was 15, she was 13. She was just as much of a geek as I was (almost---I was the bull-goose geek when I was a kid). I had made the switch to contacts the month before and was sporting a brand-new Duran Duran style haircut. She had beautiful blue eyes and pouty lips. She was the second girl I ever kissed. Unfortunately, she lived in another state. Next year at tennis camp she hooked up with one of my roommates. To cover up the fact that I was heartbroken, I acted like a complete smart-ass jerk. This only made her hate me.

I met Tara through an ex-girlfriend in the interim between high school graduation and freshman year at Iowa. She was entering her senior year of high school. She had that "Iowa City" look. Sandy brown hair, earth tones, bosomy---not plump but some meat on her bones---and just the right amount of freckles. She was leaving for Italy and we had one date before she left---Chinese food and an afternoon in the park. It was a sweltering day and I kissed her and her kiss was wonderfully salty and sweaty and unforgotten. When she came back, I pursued her a little too ardently. She stood me up for eight (8) dates before I finally took the hint. When I was young and foolish, I was young and foolish.

Courtney was Ted's girlfriend. I met her in college---she was sitting in the student union with some acquaintances of mine. She was gorgeous---thin, with short reddish hair and stunningly blue eyes. I moved over to their table and started flirting with her. Half an hour later, Ted made his appearance, massaging the back of her neck. I got to know Ted over the next couple weeks. I also got to know Courtney---we would meet in the computer center in the evenings to work on our papers. We took cigarette breaks together and I showed her my poetry---she told me I should be published in an anthology. Unfortunately, I have always been a sucker for flattery. Our flirting grew more intense and eventually we confessed our feelings for each other. She broke up with Ted and we started dating. Then her ex-boyfriend came back into town. Then she started dating an ex-roommate of mine. Then another guy. Then she had a couple of nervous breakdowns. Ted, however, is my friend to this day.

Heather was a student at Northwestern and the sister of my good friend Jim. She was a bit of a tomboy---she wore overalls, old jeans, wrinkled shirts, t-shirts and I don't recall ever seeing her in makeup. She had sandy brown hair and blueish hazel eyes and a smile that just melted my heart. She was also very, very smart. I have dated a variety in my lifetime, but the ones who broke my heart have all been very intelligent. We met a few times in group situations and the attraction was always evident. Finally, we hooked up---it was over the holiday season when school was out of session and we spent three days in bed, wearing long underwear to stay warm, making out to U2 and talking about our deepest, most fragile selves. We couldn't have sex because I was getting over....the campus "virus", which I had caught shortly before. However, I went down on her again and again and she was delicious and I absolutely loved it. We spent New Year's together and discussed having a long distance Iowa City-Evanston romance. However, just as classes were starting we were at the wedding of a mutual friend and she pulled me outside to the car to have a talk. As my feet crunched through the snow, I had a big sense of foreboding. I was right---she told me that she just wanted to be friends. I was dying to know why, but I knew at that age that it was a question I didn't have the right to ask. A mutual female friend of ours told me that Heather had told her that she was afraid I would dump her, that she didn't feel she was as pretty as the other girls I had dated, but I knew then that that was not the true reason. It couldn't have been. There was something else. I made a desperate February car journey to Evanston to try to save it, but the trip ended unsuccessfully and I discovered that she was already seeing someone. I still feel the pangs of longing and regret thinking back on her.