Speed Bumps

Got to bed at 12:00 so I decided an extra hour of sleep was more important than a five-mile run. I don't want to run out of energy over drinks tonight. Had a terriffic film class last night---the usual eclectic mix of professionals, blue-collar workers, academics, hipsters and retirees. And there's usually a lawyer who tries to monopolize the conversation. If I class has two of them, it's tons-o-fun to watch the sparks fly.

Met Mar before film class for a fairly boring dinner at a local noodle shop where she regaled me with her latest scheme for fixing up her apartment, which she's been trying to do for the last year and which still looks a third world animal shelter. At last count, she had 2 dogs, a cat and a rabbit. The bird was killed in a car wreck and the rat passed on to that great big sewer in the sky.

This brings me to my subject today: speed bumps. I can't say deal breakers because they're technically not breakers, at least in all cases, but they slow me down on the road to intimacy.

Speed bump #1: A powerfully sentimental weakness for animals. I don't mean owning a dog or a cat---I'm not an animal person, but I understand the need for and value of pets. Two cats makes me wary and three is a red flag. I once woke up in someone's bed to a cat staring at me an meowing loudly and insistently. "You're using her pillow," said the woman next to me. Great. My face buried where a neutered tom plants his ass.

Speed bump #2: An inability to spell. Maybe I'm being harsh here---I've always felt that spelling is overrated and, to me, the ubiquity of spelling bees is a telling sign that adults are tragically incapable of measuring and recognizing the intelligence of children. Also, it's easier to abbreviate and use "netspeak" when you're texting or chatting online. However, when I get an email from someone (and this happens all the time) who can't differentiate between your and you're, or mixes up their, they're and there, a big yellow "Caution---Possible Subliterate Ahead" sign pops in front of my eyes.

Speed bump #3: Excessive flirting. I don't mind if a girl has male friend---she should. It's a bad sign if she doesn't. What bothers me is if she sends the "I'm attracted and available" vibe to other men when we're together. That's humiliating for both of us and it doesn't make me want her more. It marks the beginning of the first mental draft of the "I don't think we should pursue this further" speech.

Speed bump #4: Excessive use of the word "like" as colloquial for "said", as in, "I'm, like, I don't think it's a good idea." It sounds bad in teenagers and in adult females it's the equivalent of fingernails on the chalkboard. A variation of this is the use of the word "go": "I go, I don't think it's a good idea."

Speed bump #5: Television. I don't mean a couple shows a week. I mean someone who turns on the TV the minute she gets home and doesn't turn it off until it's time for bed. Someone who watches all the sitcoms on the major networks. Such people do actually exist.

Speed bump #6: Filthy apartment. I don't mean messy. clothes and magazines strewn around don't frighten me off. I mean filthy. Nothing says I'm Disorganized Mentally And I Don't Have My Life Together quite like living in filth. If her bathroom is more frightening than my bachelor friend Len's, I will bail before I have to use it.

Speed bump #7: A bookcase full of self-help books. OK, I own a copy of Dale Carnegie and it's a great book, but our self-help culture functions much like the Borg in Star Trek: The Next Generation. If you've ever been stuck on a plane next to one of these lobotomy-eyed zombies, you'll understand. A tie-in is the presence of three or more new-agey titles, i.e., Finding Your Inner Snow Goddess, A Transcendental Guide. The sorority girl equivalent would be The Rules and/or William Bennet's The Book of Virtues.

Speed bump #8: A working knowledge of astrology. Girls, give it up. It's bullshit. There are pick-up artists who specialize in astrology because it's such a common feminine weakness---they call it "chick crack". These guys zero in on astology chicks the way that lions target the weakest and slowest zebras of the herd.

Speed bump #9: Granny furniture. Nothing say Prim and Proper Spinster quite like a floral pattern on the sofa.

Speed bump #10: A love for Christian contemporary music. My dad was a music teacher and he always claimed that a music lover should have a working appreciation for all types of music, but I'm sorry: Christian contemporary is the bottom of the barrel, the lowest, simplist, most sentimental form of music ever devised at any point in western civilization. By your tastes you shall be known.