Shitty Jobs

A friend of mine just emailed that she lost her job yesterday in a restructuring, but added that it actually felt good. Having been, ummm, "restructured" a few times in my life, I can relate to the feeling---the anxiety of economic uncertainty is trumped by the relief of not having to set foot in a nauseous office every day and report to a human being with whom you would have no contact were it not that circumstances have placed him in a position of authority over you. Hell, even Christ called the devil the "master of this world."

The first time I was fired was from Burger King. My friend Len and I had tickets to a Pink Floyd concert but I couldn't get the night off. I made an executive decision: the flying pig must take precedence over the broiler-steamer. It was an easy decision, caused no regrets and McJobs were plentiful anyway.

The next time I got fired was from a diner in my college town called the Hamburg Inn, at which establishment it was my privilege to occupy the dual positions of dishwasher/meat room attendant. I didn't really get along with my boss, and my skills as a butcher left much to be desired. By the next week, I had a job as a telemarketer earning 33% more than I had been earning previously.

A few summers later, I worked setting appointments by phone for a sales force that would high-pressure families into purchasing high-priced water filtration systems. The job made me feel sleazy and the boss fired everyone he hired. After three months, he fired me too and I took a job working third-shift in a plastics factory on the outskirts of town. At least I didn't have to take a drug test.

The worst job I ever had, however, was as an apprentice stockbroker for a now-defunct brokerage firm. I worked under the supervision of two people: Overboss and Underboss. Overboss was a screamer, a voracious beast of a human being consumed by greed whose delight in belittling his subordinates, if presented on the silver screen, would probably be rejected as unrealistic. Underboss didn't scream, he hissed. I had not been in the corporate world long enough to be exposed to the variety of reptiles who make that habitat their home and dismissed the tell-tale rattle as a glitch in the air duct.

Every morning the the fratboys who composed the entirely male sales force would gather to hear a "greed is good" lecture delivered by the Master. After the smoke had dissipated and we could breathe through the sulfur, the Master would tell us that we should distrust and resent eachother. Trust was not for this business---we should trust only Him and Our Bosses, because they had a vested interest in our success. He told us he did not want well-rounded people. He wanted people consumed by the overwhelming desire to make money. He told us we did not have the right to be well-rounded yet. He told us money was the root of all happiness.

I did not belong there.

My end came two months later. A security I had sold declined in value and the customer was now claiming that I had given him a different price. It's fairly common in the securities industry: depart from me, I know thee not. It's called being DK'd. Underboss had listenened to the sale on the other telephone and so was in a position to verify that I had quoted the price accurately.

Exept that he didn't.

I had placed the original call to the prospect off of a list of potential investors manufactured by Dunn and Bradstreet. A list provided by Underboss. However, it transpired that compliance had neglected to register me in the state in which the prospect was living at the time of the sale.

Oops.

Underboss called Overboss and they disappeared in conference. Underboss came out and asked me to step into the conference room. Overboss began:

"David, we've been discussing the direction your, um, career is heading and we're going to let you go. You are the most inept broker I have ever had working for me. Clean out your desk and get out of this office."

I walked back to my desk and saw Underboss smirk at me.

Ten years later, just for shits and giggles, I googled Underboss. I saw that he was working as the vice-president of sales for a hedge fund. I also found his resume, which listed graduate study completed at a college with an unfamiliar sounding name. I googled that college and learned that it was a degree mill which had been shut down during the previous year in a joint action by US and UK authorities. I emailed this information to his employer and to the SEC.

A week later, Underboss was no longer employed at the hedge fund.

I like my current job. I work with people I trust and respect. But I've learned that there's a level of dignity and consideration that must be extended to everyone. If you create enemies in the workplace, it may come back to haunt you. Even ten years later.